28th
college
honestly when i was little, even just last year, i didnt think that this would be so hard, to look at your accomplishments over the last few years and know that this is what is going to determine your future. i wish i realized the enormity of each and every decision i made and maybe now i wouldnt regret my mistakes, the mistakes that are costing me so much right now but the thing is, i can’t do anything about it at all.
wow college. that one word encompasses a myriad of emotions that seem to be churning upside of me, eating me up. this college search crap. i hate it. i start searching and i compare the statistics to get in with my own grades and i see the huge gap, realizing that i’ll never make it. i guess that’s the hardest part, because of your decisions, some colleges are closed to you forever with no chance whatsoever. but you know, that’s not the worst part. the worst part is that you know that its your fault. you can blame it on whomever you want but when it really comes down to it, it’s your fault and your fault alone. i suppose college is realities way of saying we need to step up and take responsibility for our actions. for some reason though, i feel like the bad is weighed more heavily than all the good you’ve done because all i see is how everything that i do weighs me down more and more.
i dont even want to think about college anymore. when i start to research, i just stop and become swept away on the wave of nostalgia, the wave of regret that i didn’t try harder. my grades don’t reflect the potential that i have inside of me and i feel like i wasted my opportunity to really shine and show everyone what i really got. i was talking to someone and he was like did you give 300% for studying or volunteering and immediately my answer was no. i didnt even give 75% and sadly, this is what i’m left with. Ironically, even though i know this, that i didnt give my all and because of that i’m left with regrets, i know that i’ll procrastinate with college apps and not give my all in it because it afterall hard to break bad habits.
i guess when princeton counselor-o-matic gave me the results that my good match schools were boston college, university of maryland and my reach schools were georgetown or brown or upenn i was kind of shocked. i was hoping that i would be better than that, i’d been expecting that i would be better than that. i guess i’d been hoping for too much and you know what? reality sucks. i can see why willy loman would want to fabricate these illusions about his own life. it’s just so much easier that way. and we’re always looking for the easy way out. i really wish that i had the determination that could take me there. again, it’s the easy way out. the determination would be inherent instead of me having to work for it. but then that would defeat the whole purpose of proving myself and really having something to be proud of.
